“I’m in love. I want to marry Krypto the Superdog, what should I do?”

Without wishing to discount the truth of your feelings, Bruce, or downplay the strength of emotions that are clearly swirling through you, I’m going to invite you to consider certain factors that have a bearing on the situation in which you find yourself. In this way you may come to some limited understanding of the reality you inhabit.

The Mommy has informed me that you first became aware of the existence of the concept of ‘Superdog’ at the holiday camp where you spend your days when The Mommy and Satan are on their travels. The kind people at the camp nicknamed you ‘Superdog’ because your red coat flies up at the back when not fastened around your bum. This gave them the impression of a cape and thus the nickname.

When Satan was regaled with this amusing tale, he vividly recalled the existence of Krypto the Superdog from his youth. The Mommy was far too young to remember this, she said. Satan was not believed. He sought out images of Krypto. These reveal drawings of a lithe and muscular white Labrador. Satan may have made some unkind comment on the utter lack of similarity both physical and mental between you and Krypto.  I quote “ Krypto also had super-canine intelligence of approximately human level, though with his canine traits and interests still present.”  Note the ‘his’.

It would seem that The Mommy has left these images lying around in plain sight, you have seen them and become the canine equivalent of a smitten kitten. You now wish to enter into a lifelong relationship with Krypto.

Well, Bruce, as it happens there are some things going in favour of your desires.  If you but had the slightest understanding of what he meant, you would be able to see that the smooth faced man has indeed made it possible for you to contemplate same sex marriage. Notwithstanding that one of his Welsh friends has expressed great concern about the warmth and safety of puppies. The point of his remarks escapes me.

However, and here you must steel yourself, Bruce, for an unpleasant shock I have to tell you that Krypto exists only as a drawing. He has no corporeal being. We got into a bit of a tangle in our last session about the idea of existence, and I don’t want to muddle you. You will need time and rest to come to terms with this disappointment. I shall speak to The Mommy.

You need to understand that human beings are capable of limitless imagination, and from an early age can draw wonderful things. Unlike dogs, who have to be taught things through constant repetition. (Strangely enough, another friend of the smooth faced man has a problem with understanding this. He is in charge of schools, which is a worry for me but happily not for you.)