Oh dear, I understand your question has been prompted by a sense of
abandonment. According to Satan, The Mommy left the house ten days ago and only
returned last night with a cursory glance at you. She forgot to give you
breakfast this morning. She has been extolling the charms of a creature called
Blake to all and sundry. She now talks excitedly to Satan about Blake’s
digestive system, where before she talked excitedly to Satan about your digestive
system.
Bruce, I have to tell you that a grandchild has arrived. This changes
things for everyone. Your World Order, that previously placed you at the
pinnacle of The Mommy’s affections, has been upset in ways that you are only
beginning to comprehend. Your previous behaviour, consisting merely of sleeping
and eating, will no longer secure you the undivided attention and affection
formerly bestowed by The Mommy. Satan however will continue to clean up your
shit.
There is a window of opportunity left to you for a few days yet because
whilst Blake eats, he does not yet sleep with the dedication you bring to the
art of slumber. You are going to
have to learn some new tricks. You are going to have to bring your ‘A’ game to
the table. Luckily there is currently a TV programme on air called ‘Top Dog
Model’, which I commend to you. There you will find extensive images of lively
and winsome dogs displaying their capacity to charm people. Mark, learn and
inwardly digest. It may provide a fleeting respite from the inevitable.
In the long term however you, along with Satan, are doomed to a lower
rung on the ladder. Soon Blake will both eat and sleep. He will learn to walk
on two legs, display a range of beguiling expressions, say funny things, listen
attentively to Satan’s lectures on Art History and eventually solve quadratic
equations. You cannot compete. In time, you may be permitted to amuse him, who
knows? It is the best you can hope for.
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