Is Satan trying to turn me into a satellite dish?

Theologically speaking, at this Eastertide, that is a remarkably profound question for a dog of your mental capacity. Is it indeed the intention of the forces of evil to turn us all into merely passive receivers of images and ideas externally fed to us by Fox News and Rupert Murdoch (aka Beelzebub)?

Reflect for a moment on this, Bruce, and consider whether your life of perpetual sleeping, eating and visiting the vet has equipped you with the wherewithal to pursue an active life. The forces of evil are afraid of creative and imaginative activity, witness the way Beelzebub’s minion Gove has attempted to suppress it in schools.

It may not be too late to change your habits, as currently when you follow the Mommy closely and ding her on the back of her legs with the satellite dish, you might follow her exhortation to ‘run off and do something useful’. (I think that may be a loose translation of what she said.)

On balance I do not think Satan is trying to turn you into a satellite dish. He has no need of one. Cable TV provides him with a steady flow of images of his beloved Chelsea FC as they approach the climax of what may prove another triumphant season.

The only cloud on his horizon is that the triumph may come at the expense of The Mummy’s team, Liverpool FC. My firm advice when these two teams meet in a week’s time is to keep the lowest of profiles in order to ensure your physical and mental wellbeing. In adversity, Satan might be tempted to take up taxidermy.

Why does Satan go "Aaaarrr" at me?

This is his idea of a joke because you have a temporary patch put over your poorly eye and he thinks you look like a Pirate. Actually The Mummy was the first to raise the Pirate connection when she heard about the patch, but now she has seen you she is very concerned. You have been given some tranquillisers to keep you calm whilst your eye heals. Satan reckons The Mummy would do best on these tranquillisers as he cannot imagine how you could become any calmer given the amount of time you spend asleep.

Am I a Pirate, you ask, and why are they funny? 
Traditionally Pirates were bold and unscrupulous seafarers who sailed the oceans looking for ships to capture and treasure to seize. Some of them like Blackbeard and Captain Morgan became famous and many stories were told of their exploits. They had  colourful lives and a whole way of speaking became attributed to them based mainly on the hammy performance of Robert Newton in the TV series 'Long John Silver'. So as a small dog in Keighley, living as far from the sea as is practically possible the answer to the first part of the question has to be no.

Strictly speaking, Bruce, Pirates are not funny, they are thieves. Today's Pirates kidnap people and hold them hostage, they climb aboard oil tankers in remote oceans and threaten to blow them up unless they are given ransom money. These are Pirates from Somalia who would be dirt poor otherwise.

There are also some very rich and powerful Pirates around and these are closer to Keighley. They appear to have kidnapped our oil, gas and electricity supplies as well as our railways and are holding us to ransom. Our economy has been kidnapped by the banks, and now apparently our Health Service is going to cost us an additional £10 when we use it. 

Satan says Aaaarrrse! He also now wants the tranquillisers, he tells me.