Is Satan trying to turn me into a satellite dish?

Theologically speaking, at this Eastertide, that is a remarkably profound question for a dog of your mental capacity. Is it indeed the intention of the forces of evil to turn us all into merely passive receivers of images and ideas externally fed to us by Fox News and Rupert Murdoch (aka Beelzebub)?

Reflect for a moment on this, Bruce, and consider whether your life of perpetual sleeping, eating and visiting the vet has equipped you with the wherewithal to pursue an active life. The forces of evil are afraid of creative and imaginative activity, witness the way Beelzebub’s minion Gove has attempted to suppress it in schools.

It may not be too late to change your habits, as currently when you follow the Mommy closely and ding her on the back of her legs with the satellite dish, you might follow her exhortation to ‘run off and do something useful’. (I think that may be a loose translation of what she said.)

On balance I do not think Satan is trying to turn you into a satellite dish. He has no need of one. Cable TV provides him with a steady flow of images of his beloved Chelsea FC as they approach the climax of what may prove another triumphant season.

The only cloud on his horizon is that the triumph may come at the expense of The Mummy’s team, Liverpool FC. My firm advice when these two teams meet in a week’s time is to keep the lowest of profiles in order to ensure your physical and mental wellbeing. In adversity, Satan might be tempted to take up taxidermy.