Why do I think other dogs are not like me, then?

This is a complex question, Bruce. It displays a certain level of anxiety on your part, which I can only assume arises from something you have either observed or overheard.

What you need to get your head around is that at one and the same time you are both like all other dogs in the world and you are your own individual self. Regrettably, like so many dogs, your track record in holding two thoughts at the same time is not impressive. Perhaps it would help if I illustrated this concept with reference to another dog I am working with, to protect patient confidentiality let’s call him Murphy.

 

Now Murphy has an obsession with always peeing on the full bin bags as they await collection outside the Methodist Church. He cannot stop himself even though he knows somewhere inside himself that it is obsessive behaviour.

As I am told, you, Bruce, as an individual dog have never peed on a full bin bag outside the Methodist Church. In that respect you are unlike Murphy, and thus are entitled to think from that example that you are indeed quite unlike other dogs.

However, as we delve deeper into this matter we begin to discover that Murphy, and his name gives us a clue, is only acting as all good Catholic dogs do and signalling their traditional disdain for Methodism and his particular refusal to engage ecumenically with them. This is learned behaviour, instilled from a very early age. He also knows that as a greyhound he can slip away pretty quick should some sandal-wearing beardy Methodist minister remonstrate with him.

The Mommy is a Churchwarden and you are the dog of a solid Church of England household, albeit one containing Satan. In contrast to Murphy, you have no problem in fully engaging in ecumenical activities with the Methodists, and would never dream of peeing on their bin bags.

However, as has formed the subject of a previous blog, you are learning to pee every time you go out the back door, although you still need reminding every now and then. This too is learned behaviour instilled from an early age and as such you are identical to Murphy in your canine being. Notwithstanding that, seen side-by-side, it would not occur to a visitor from Mars that you were the same species.

I hope this has helped illuminate your original question. However I fear Murphy will continue to be an embarrassment to his owner, who happens to hold an important post within The Church of England.

Why do I not drink when The Mommy is not there?

I must say, Bruce, that you are being somewhat disingenuous here. I think you know that there is no problem with you not drinking when The Mommy is not there. Not drinking when The Mommy is not there is more of a problem for Satan, as it happens. When The Mommy is not there I have observed that you merely sleep by the front door awaiting her return. Your snoring may puzzle deliverymen, but sounds of heavy breathing as items of mail are pushed through the letterbox are commonplace for hardened Royal Mail operatives.

All the evidence points to your drinking problem occurring immediately after The Mommy has returned from wherever her business has taken her. It is then that you are observed, after the ritual leaping for joy, dashing to your water bowl and indulging in what can only be described as binge drinking. As you know, from when the smooth faced man comes on the television and tells everyone how to live their lives, binge drinking is bad. What’s more a culture of binge drinking is even worse. One of the consequences of binge drinking is vomit. This is precisely what you do after lapping at your water bowl in a demented manner on The Mommy’s return.

We need, Bruce, to find a solution to this problem together. Raising the price of drinking makes no sense for people and even less sense for French Bulldogs. The human compulsion to binge drink is an overwhelming inner urge brought about by a complex chain of interrelated factors, mainly involving peer pressure and a misguided sense of what comprises celebration. For many young people getting blethered is the only participative cultural activity they know. (I hope I am not going too fast for you, Bruce.)  Access to artistic, sporting and other civilised cultural pursuits for young people is currently being significantly reduced by the policies of the same smooth faced man who appears on The Mommy and Satan’s television telling them how to live their lives. (Keep up, Bruce) Ironically his policies are traditionally supported financially by donations from drinks manufacturers, and by revenue from the sales of drinks.

However, with you the solution is simpler. I have advised The Mommy to place your water bowl on high, until you have recovered sufficiently from the ecstasy of The Mommy’s return to be able to lap in moderation. I have proffered similar advice to Satan, but have been assured that whilst he is no less ecstatic to see The Mommy return, he has always lapped in moderation.

What I don’t understand is…. why they shout loudly at me when they want me to come near them.

Bruce, you are not alone with this issue. It is puzzling and you are right to have raised it with me. Many, many dogs have indicated to me their struggle to understand this human phenomenon.

At the heart of the matter is the firm belief held by many humans, and your Satan in particular, that most dogs are a bit thick and slightly deaf. Thus they need to be spoken to in a tone and volume normally reserved for foreigners. In your case this is compounded by the fact that you are a French Bulldog, albeit from Ferrybridge.

The second crucial factor affecting this issue is the fact that you are owned. Your collar and lead are symbolic as well as practical devices. Whilst you can have no concept of this, you will come to understand that many dog owners still take the view that the behaviour of their dog reflects on them. Owners want their dogs to trust and obey. So, when you continue to nuzzle the fox pooh rather than join the walk alongside The Mommy and Satan, you have noticed a certain stridency in their calls and this has alarmed and perplexed you.

I draw your attention here to the way parents sometimes behave with their children. (Those are what the smaller humans in brighter clothes are called.) Things become particularly perplexing when trust and obedience are placed in diametric opposition. The call is often heard in West Yorkshire shopping malls “Maaarrk, come here while I twott you!”

It seems universal that the demands of governance require us to lick the boot that kicks us. Thus I counsel you to conduct a risk assessment balancing the likelihood of a whack on the snout against temporary liberty.

What is wrong with barking at the Television?

I understand you are raising this with me because of the verbal abuse you recently suffered during The Mommy and Satan’s viewing of ‘The Frozen Planet’. Notwithstanding that your intention was solely to defend The Mommy from polar bears and killer whales.

There are some technical matters here that you need to understand, or at least know about. The recent arrival of digital TV and HD has meant that dogs are now able to recognise things on TV. Previous generations of dogs have gone to The Great Kennel in The Sky with no proper opportunity to show their disapproval of ‘The Generation Game’, for example, by imitating the humans barking at the screen. Dogs just idly wondered what all the fuss was about and continued to snooze. They were also oblivious of early David Attenborough.

Another technological advance is the hand control for TV. This gadget, if it can be brought readily to hand and is not being sat on, has the advantage of cutting off Jonathan Ross before prolonged human barking can occur. The prevalence of Football TV however has hugely increased human barking.

Football TV is when those tiny humans appear on the screen, running about in a futile sort of competitive pattern chasing something, kicking both it and each other. You cannot see the different shirt colours but you need to understand that The Mommy’s team sometimes play against Satan’s team. That is when the human barking is likely to get nasty. My advice to you on these occasions is to not draw attention to yourself – at all.

Barking at the TV by dogs is what is known as learned behaviour. It is also pointless because it doesn’t affect the TV at all. The polar bears on ‘The Frozen Planet’ couldn’t hear you. They weren’t going to eat The Mommy. They were an illusion* and probably will be all gone soon anyway. The killer whales just wanted to eat the cameramen.  I counsel you therefore to take your cue from The Mommy and Satan. If they sit quietly watching the TV, you should do the same. If a smooth-faced man in a suit comes on and starts telling them how to live their lives – join in their barking. It will lighten the moment considerably.