Why do I not drink when The Mommy is not there?

I must say, Bruce, that you are being somewhat disingenuous here. I think you know that there is no problem with you not drinking when The Mommy is not there. Not drinking when The Mommy is not there is more of a problem for Satan, as it happens. When The Mommy is not there I have observed that you merely sleep by the front door awaiting her return. Your snoring may puzzle deliverymen, but sounds of heavy breathing as items of mail are pushed through the letterbox are commonplace for hardened Royal Mail operatives.

All the evidence points to your drinking problem occurring immediately after The Mommy has returned from wherever her business has taken her. It is then that you are observed, after the ritual leaping for joy, dashing to your water bowl and indulging in what can only be described as binge drinking. As you know, from when the smooth faced man comes on the television and tells everyone how to live their lives, binge drinking is bad. What’s more a culture of binge drinking is even worse. One of the consequences of binge drinking is vomit. This is precisely what you do after lapping at your water bowl in a demented manner on The Mommy’s return.

We need, Bruce, to find a solution to this problem together. Raising the price of drinking makes no sense for people and even less sense for French Bulldogs. The human compulsion to binge drink is an overwhelming inner urge brought about by a complex chain of interrelated factors, mainly involving peer pressure and a misguided sense of what comprises celebration. For many young people getting blethered is the only participative cultural activity they know. (I hope I am not going too fast for you, Bruce.)  Access to artistic, sporting and other civilised cultural pursuits for young people is currently being significantly reduced by the policies of the same smooth faced man who appears on The Mommy and Satan’s television telling them how to live their lives. (Keep up, Bruce) Ironically his policies are traditionally supported financially by donations from drinks manufacturers, and by revenue from the sales of drinks.

However, with you the solution is simpler. I have advised The Mommy to place your water bowl on high, until you have recovered sufficiently from the ecstasy of The Mommy’s return to be able to lap in moderation. I have proffered similar advice to Satan, but have been assured that whilst he is no less ecstatic to see The Mommy return, he has always lapped in moderation.