What is wrong with barking at the Television?

I understand you are raising this with me because of the verbal abuse you recently suffered during The Mommy and Satan’s viewing of ‘The Frozen Planet’. Notwithstanding that your intention was solely to defend The Mommy from polar bears and killer whales.

There are some technical matters here that you need to understand, or at least know about. The recent arrival of digital TV and HD has meant that dogs are now able to recognise things on TV. Previous generations of dogs have gone to The Great Kennel in The Sky with no proper opportunity to show their disapproval of ‘The Generation Game’, for example, by imitating the humans barking at the screen. Dogs just idly wondered what all the fuss was about and continued to snooze. They were also oblivious of early David Attenborough.

Another technological advance is the hand control for TV. This gadget, if it can be brought readily to hand and is not being sat on, has the advantage of cutting off Jonathan Ross before prolonged human barking can occur. The prevalence of Football TV however has hugely increased human barking.

Football TV is when those tiny humans appear on the screen, running about in a futile sort of competitive pattern chasing something, kicking both it and each other. You cannot see the different shirt colours but you need to understand that The Mommy’s team sometimes play against Satan’s team. That is when the human barking is likely to get nasty. My advice to you on these occasions is to not draw attention to yourself – at all.

Barking at the TV by dogs is what is known as learned behaviour. It is also pointless because it doesn’t affect the TV at all. The polar bears on ‘The Frozen Planet’ couldn’t hear you. They weren’t going to eat The Mommy. They were an illusion* and probably will be all gone soon anyway. The killer whales just wanted to eat the cameramen.  I counsel you therefore to take your cue from The Mommy and Satan. If they sit quietly watching the TV, you should do the same. If a smooth-faced man in a suit comes on and starts telling them how to live their lives – join in their barking. It will lighten the moment considerably.