Why am I made to pee every time I go out the back door?

In the house in which you live with The Mommy and Satan, peeing indoors is a ritual and a privilege entirely reserved for humans. For dogs, peeing indoors is a taboo.

A taboo is a rule so strong that when it is broken Harm Befalls. For example, selling the time of the Prime Minister to the highest bidder is taboo. This pees on Democracy.

In your case the Harm is a whack on the snout with a rolled up newspaper, I am informed. This you already know from regrettable instances when you have peed indoors. You have indicated that you have learnt from this, Bruce, and now when you want to pee, you go and stand by the back door. You will then be let out by The Mommy or sometimes even by Satan.

My research reveals however that you have taken up the habit of standing by the back door thus obliging The Mommy to stop whatever it was she was doing, eating delicious food prepared by Satan, talking at length on the telephone, tweeting or blogging and go to let you out. (The Mommy usually has to do this as her chair is nearest the door.)

You then go into the garden but do not pee. You wander about like a fart in a trance, as if totally surprised to find yourself in a garden in West Yorkshire. This is not peeing but ‘taking the piss’. Satan then has to intervene and I am told you then find yourself quickly able to summon up the ability to relieve yourself.

So now for the avoidance of doubt all excursions by you out of the back door now require you to pee. In the circumstances, Bruce, I can only advise you to get it over with quickly. You can then find a spot in the Spring sunshine to snooze or otherwise commune with nature, undisturbed by Satan.

You may have noticed that for humans quite the converse applies. It is ordained that all exits through the front door, even for short expeditions known as ‘Shopping’, have to be preceded by a visit to the bathroom otherwise Harm Will Befall.