How come it's ok to nibble some people's ears and not others?

You would be amazed if you could even glimpse the full range of human sexual behaviour. Suffice to say this is an issue that we must deal with urgently, Bruce. It has serious implications for all dogs. 

Only yesterday we learn that Rowan the Wirelsh Terrier has had to leave his home in London for kennels in Cambridge as a result of misunderstandings about human sexuality. If Rowan, who has an intellect light years in excess of yours, has been inconvenienced, I shudder to think what Satan might do. There is potential for irreversible and possibly painful surgical procedures if you continue to be confused.

This would be unfair , as there are people who come to your abode who, for reasons that frankly I struggle with, find the arrival of a fat, furry two stone tuna breath torpedo on their lap to be a pleasure. A pleasure taken to further erotic heights initially by a wet tongue inserted in the aural canal, and then further enhanced by sensual nibbling of earlobe. The noise of the snuffling and the cries of bliss escalate. (Even writing this down feels wrong.)

So to avoid unpleasant consequences, you must ensure that the encounter is consensual.

So here are some rules:

·      Do not make your move on anyone standing up;

·      Never make your move on any of the small people with brighter clothes;

·      Ensure that your partner is sitting down, preferably alone, on a sofa with no cup of tea in hand;

·      Ensure that your partner has noticed your presence;

·      Look for a hand gesture e.g. patting the cushion provocatively;

·      Do not swallow anything that comes away in your mouth (more surgical procedures);

·      To be on the safe side, even if they give encouragement, do not try it on with vicars.