How come Satan doesn’t talk to me?

There are so many ways to address this matter, Bruce. The question has metaphysical, theological and literal dimensions that in the past have confounded great canine minds*. Let’s see how far we can engage with what goes on in your noddle.

When you identify the person who lives with The Mommy as Satan, you are casting him in the role of evil incarnate. From your perspective this is fair enough. You have every right to identify someone or something in your universe as a threat to your wellbeing if it helps you navigate your course through what you perceive to be a complex universe. The question arises for me as to why on earth you would want Satan to talk to you? Are you hoping he will explain to you why you have come to view him as the personification of evil? Bruce, what truly lies at the root of your anxiety?

I would suggest that the reason you have cast him in this metaphysical role is principally because his behaviour towards you contrasts with The Mommy’s approach. It is not because his behaviour is inherently evil, it is because it is not indulgent. The Mommy talks to you all the time, she often answers on your behalf (in a funny voice) and refers to you as ‘poppet’. That is not the epithet Satan uses to describe you. The Mommy is besotted. She merely laughs when you loudly chew your bone throughout the Adagio of Schubert’s String Quintet (Op. 163). This will have caused you to have a distorted view of life.

By the way, you need to beware of becoming The Mommy’s ‘poppet’. The possession of ‘poppets’ has traditionally been associated with witchcraft and devil worship. This has led in the past to the pets of eccentric women being roasted alive. Think about that, Bruce. Consider also that theologically speaking, Satan talks to all of us all of the time, sometimes we don’t realise it and we think we are doing the right thing - by stealing from pensioners, for example.

Literally speaking, and perhaps this is the explanation that most likely suits your situation, I am told your particular Satan normally doesn’t converse at all.  He prefers silence and cunning. However, I understand on those rare occasions when he does strike up conversation it is in the expectation that an amusing and edifying verbal encounter will ensue. I draw to your attention the fact that you are a dog.

* See earlier blog reference to Rowan the Welsh Terrier/Wire Hair Terrier cross.