What is the grey thing in the garden? I love it.

The Mommy and Satan call the grey thing in the garden ‘a plastic washing up bowl’. Please Bruce, don’t confuse yourself by trying to remember this. It is sufficient that you just enjoy pushing it around and trying to bite it. It is important that you have some ‘down time’ from your main tasks of eating and sleeping. Apparently this is known as ‘chillaxing’

Many people like to take time out of their strenuous routines by ‘chillaxing’. However this can lead laughter and ridicule, rather like when the grey thing rears up and whacks you on the snout. I have had a word with The Mommy and Satan about laughing at you when this happens. It is not good for your self-esteem. There are so many things in one’s life that are liable to rise up and smite one on the snout, just when one thinks one has them under control. Little did the smooth faced man think that the Leveson Enquiry was going to rise up and smite him on the snout. It seemed such a good idea at the time. Anyway he keeps his nuclear button trigger finger sharp by ‘chillaxing’ with Fruit Ninja. We all sleep easier as a result.

One of the things that perplexes The Mommy is that you continue to ignore the range of plastic bones, stuffed teddy bears, pheasants, monkeys and balls of various sizes that have been given you over time. The only time you chew your bone loudly is when Satan is listening to soft music. You have indicated that you do this just to annoy him, not out of any intrinsic need to chew.

My question then, on which I would like you to reflect over the next few weeks, is whether you feel totally fulfilled? Is there some useful activity to which you might feel attracted, that in some small part would be seen as a contribution to the economic crisis the country faces? Is there some element of the forthcoming Diamond Jubilee that you feel you could sign up to? On reflection, chasing a washing up bowl round the back garden  may after all be an appropriate response to the current situation. It prefigures the Olympics for sure.

How come Terry the Vet always sticks a needle in me? I quite like him.

On the face of it Bruce, this does appear to be an abusive relationship. I am told you are very affectionate towards Terry the Vet and try to kiss him when he puts you up on his table. You indicate that every time he sees you he responds very ardently at first, but then turns you round and sticks a needle in your arse. (For avoidance of doubt, this is not ‘Grooming’, which is something quite different. Do not become anxious on that score.)

In truth, you need to begin to understand that sometimes things that appear to be damaging and hurtful, like a needle in the bum, often disguise a more positive intention. Your health and wellbeing is a source of great concern to The Mommy. There have been a number of incidents when various of your orifices have required veterinary attention. Such a history has led Satan to give you the nickname ‘Sicknote’. This is unkind but not wholly inaccurate. As a result you are more familiar with Terry the Vet than many dogs of your age.

The substances Terry injects into your bum are designed to cure you of all ills, promote your ability to dance on your hind legs, twist, turn and otherwise pose in a way that will enable you to emulate the celebrated ‘Pudsey’ and win talent competitions. This is The Mommy’s secret ambition. Unhelpfully Satan suggests your inability to follow simple instructions may jeopardise this.

Unlike the British Economy, which desperately needs a shot of growth hormone, you are now in rude health following your latest encounter with Terry the Vet. My advice is to try and keep it that way – Terry the Vet is an expensive relationship to maintain. Satan is keeping the cost/benefit analysis under review.

What is shopping?

Bruce, of all the questions you have asked during the time we have been having our sessions together this has been the most unexpected. Initially I was completely perplexed as to why you were concerned with retail matters. I could not see how a more developed understanding of shopping would advance your therapy.

Dogs do not buy things. Humans do buy things, and indeed shopping is sometimes referred to as ‘retail therapy’. Shopping for some humans is seen as a distraction from the cares and woes of workaday life, a bit like ‘Holiday’ that we talked about last week. (When you think about these last words I have used, do not allow yourself to fall into semantic confusion. I do not mean that human beings are bought and sold by means of shopping, that is done through the operation of Capitalism which is another issue entirely.) I mean that the very act of shopping is, in itself, seen by many people as a solution to problems. This is truly perplexing.

Take for example the problem of the regeneration of the cities and towns of West Yorkshire where you live. This is a subject close to The Mommy’s heart. I understand you have been the recipient of her views on this subject, and because you have appeared to listen to her adoringly as she speaks, she is under the impression that you know quite a bit about this subject. My advice is not to disillusion her.

What has perplexed both The Mommy and Satan is the obsession that the civic leaders of West Yorkshire have with shopping as the sole instrument of regeneration. At a time when the smooth-faced men have taken everyone’s money and put it back in their banks, it is somehow seen as essential that more shops are built. Going into these shops, our leaders believe people will spend the money they no longer have. The Mommy and Satan believe plans for regeneration would do better to address the current shortage of affordable housing, preferably before the UK Construction Industry goes belly up.

Anyway I digress, but I hope you have been paying attention. Luckily, I managed to have a word with Satan when I first got notice of your question. He believes you are perplexed because whenever you are being left in the house on your own, The Mommy or Satan put your bed by the front door and tell you that they are ‘just going shopping’. This can occur any time of day or night and sometimes you notice bags of shopping coming in with them when they return and sometimes there doesn’t appear to be evidence of any shopping actually having taken place.

Satan believes that, if you could understand the concept of shopping, you would have gained the impression that there is a very liberal dispensation of Opening Hours in West Yorkshire and that shopping is a very hit and miss affair in terms of tangible outcomes.

My advice is to stay relaxed about this, I refer you to earlier conversations we have had about Ritual. ‘Just going shopping’ is a ritual valediction that signals in the famous words of General Douglas MacArthur ‘I will return’.

How come I get sent to live with dogs?

This question follows on from your previous enquiry, Bruce, and I see you are still puzzling over issues that touch on questions of identity and, in a wider sense, your place in the known universe. I understand you have recently spent some time away from your home. You found yourself in a setting where there were other dogs. These dogs were also spending time away from their homes. I also understand that you did not spend this time in the company of The Mommy or Satan. They were elsewhere.

The Mommy tells me that she believes you enjoy these periods of time in the company of other dogs. She wishes me strongly to convey to you that in no sense are you to see this period of time away from her as a punishment for any wrongdoing. Only humans imprison each other. The term she uses to describe these periods of time is ‘Holiday’. The Mommy is a great enthusiast for the concept of ‘Holiday’, and feels that a ‘Holiday’ should provide respite from the ardours of toil and her workaday treadmill of constant labour as represented by meetings and interminable telephone conversations. She is keen that you too should enjoy the benefits of 'Holiday'.

Satan however is of the opinion that, as your workaday treadmill consists almost entirely of sleeping and eating, ‘Holiday’ for you might best consist of a slightly more regimented existence with episodes of  strenuous exercise. I am sure he has your best interests at heart. He certainly feels that periods of time spent in the company of other dogs will help you understand more clearly your essential canine nature.

You need to understand that both The Mommy and Satan enjoy being elsewhere on ‘Holiday’. Satan is occasionally permitted, as Milton says, to ‘ boldly venture to whatever place, farthest from pain, where he might’st hope to change torment with ease, and soonest recompense dole with delight.’ The Mommy accompanies him on such excursions to moderate any excess of delight.

If time spent away in the company of other dogs is puzzling to you, take solace in such unconfined leaping for joy and expressions of delight that occur when you and The Mommy, reunited, return to hearth and home.