How come Terry the Vet always sticks a needle in me? I quite like him.

On the face of it Bruce, this does appear to be an abusive relationship. I am told you are very affectionate towards Terry the Vet and try to kiss him when he puts you up on his table. You indicate that every time he sees you he responds very ardently at first, but then turns you round and sticks a needle in your arse. (For avoidance of doubt, this is not ‘Grooming’, which is something quite different. Do not become anxious on that score.)

In truth, you need to begin to understand that sometimes things that appear to be damaging and hurtful, like a needle in the bum, often disguise a more positive intention. Your health and wellbeing is a source of great concern to The Mommy. There have been a number of incidents when various of your orifices have required veterinary attention. Such a history has led Satan to give you the nickname ‘Sicknote’. This is unkind but not wholly inaccurate. As a result you are more familiar with Terry the Vet than many dogs of your age.

The substances Terry injects into your bum are designed to cure you of all ills, promote your ability to dance on your hind legs, twist, turn and otherwise pose in a way that will enable you to emulate the celebrated ‘Pudsey’ and win talent competitions. This is The Mommy’s secret ambition. Unhelpfully Satan suggests your inability to follow simple instructions may jeopardise this.

Unlike the British Economy, which desperately needs a shot of growth hormone, you are now in rude health following your latest encounter with Terry the Vet. My advice is to try and keep it that way – Terry the Vet is an expensive relationship to maintain. Satan is keeping the cost/benefit analysis under review.