Why am I made to pee every time I go out the back door?

In the house in which you live with The Mommy and Satan, peeing indoors is a ritual and a privilege entirely reserved for humans. For dogs, peeing indoors is a taboo.

A taboo is a rule so strong that when it is broken Harm Befalls. For example, selling the time of the Prime Minister to the highest bidder is taboo. This pees on Democracy.

In your case the Harm is a whack on the snout with a rolled up newspaper, I am informed. This you already know from regrettable instances when you have peed indoors. You have indicated that you have learnt from this, Bruce, and now when you want to pee, you go and stand by the back door. You will then be let out by The Mommy or sometimes even by Satan.

My research reveals however that you have taken up the habit of standing by the back door thus obliging The Mommy to stop whatever it was she was doing, eating delicious food prepared by Satan, talking at length on the telephone, tweeting or blogging and go to let you out. (The Mommy usually has to do this as her chair is nearest the door.)

You then go into the garden but do not pee. You wander about like a fart in a trance, as if totally surprised to find yourself in a garden in West Yorkshire. This is not peeing but ‘taking the piss’. Satan then has to intervene and I am told you then find yourself quickly able to summon up the ability to relieve yourself.

So now for the avoidance of doubt all excursions by you out of the back door now require you to pee. In the circumstances, Bruce, I can only advise you to get it over with quickly. You can then find a spot in the Spring sunshine to snooze or otherwise commune with nature, undisturbed by Satan.

You may have noticed that for humans quite the converse applies. It is ordained that all exits through the front door, even for short expeditions known as ‘Shopping’, have to be preceded by a visit to the bathroom otherwise Harm Will Befall.

How come Satan doesn’t talk to me?

There are so many ways to address this matter, Bruce. The question has metaphysical, theological and literal dimensions that in the past have confounded great canine minds*. Let’s see how far we can engage with what goes on in your noddle.

When you identify the person who lives with The Mommy as Satan, you are casting him in the role of evil incarnate. From your perspective this is fair enough. You have every right to identify someone or something in your universe as a threat to your wellbeing if it helps you navigate your course through what you perceive to be a complex universe. The question arises for me as to why on earth you would want Satan to talk to you? Are you hoping he will explain to you why you have come to view him as the personification of evil? Bruce, what truly lies at the root of your anxiety?

I would suggest that the reason you have cast him in this metaphysical role is principally because his behaviour towards you contrasts with The Mommy’s approach. It is not because his behaviour is inherently evil, it is because it is not indulgent. The Mommy talks to you all the time, she often answers on your behalf (in a funny voice) and refers to you as ‘poppet’. That is not the epithet Satan uses to describe you. The Mommy is besotted. She merely laughs when you loudly chew your bone throughout the Adagio of Schubert’s String Quintet (Op. 163). This will have caused you to have a distorted view of life.

By the way, you need to beware of becoming The Mommy’s ‘poppet’. The possession of ‘poppets’ has traditionally been associated with witchcraft and devil worship. This has led in the past to the pets of eccentric women being roasted alive. Think about that, Bruce. Consider also that theologically speaking, Satan talks to all of us all of the time, sometimes we don’t realise it and we think we are doing the right thing - by stealing from pensioners, for example.

Literally speaking, and perhaps this is the explanation that most likely suits your situation, I am told your particular Satan normally doesn’t converse at all.  He prefers silence and cunning. However, I understand on those rare occasions when he does strike up conversation it is in the expectation that an amusing and edifying verbal encounter will ensue. I draw to your attention the fact that you are a dog.

* See earlier blog reference to Rowan the Welsh Terrier/Wire Hair Terrier cross.

How come at Big Sleep Time always the lights go off, then soon go back on…and then longtime go off again?

This is about Ritual. Ritual is complex but very important to all humans. The Mommy and Satan are great believers in Ritual. Rituals are vital actions and sayings that must be performed at specific times otherwise Harm Will Befall.

You need to get this concept firmly between your ears as soon as possible. We may have to spend some time on this, but eventually I hope you will find it illuminating. It will explain many things about your life and offer guidance on how to behave.

Big Sleep Time, or ‘Bobos’ time as The Mommy calls it is full of important Rituals. (By the way are you starting to learn Pidgin English?) The three elements to ‘Bobos’ time Rituals are Purging, Closing, and Provisioning.

Purging

This element is symbolic of relinquishing the day that is drawing to a close. It is universally acknowledged that it is difficult to sleep for long time for excess liquid in the body. So the chant of “Bobos Wee Wee Time” which awakes you from your Evening Sleep Time is the signal for your Purging Ritual in preparation for Big Sleep Time.

It is a two-part ritual that involves you being hoofed down the garden, peeing once, looking to come back in the warm and then being forced to pee once again. (We will discuss the issues you have with this on a later occasion.)

Closing

Electricity is very dangerous at night. It has a mind of its own and unless it is completely put to sleep Harm Will Befall. All external doors have to be locked shut. Everything must be closed before sleep is permitted.

Provisioning

Some humans provision themselves with all manner of foodstuff to avoid night starvation. (Did you realise the human navel is the perfect receptacle for salt when eating celery in bed?) However a glass of water is all that Satan and The Mommy need to take upstairs at night.

The answer to your question about the lights going on therefore is that one or more elements of the ‘Bobos’ time Rituals will have been omitted, or it will have been forgotten that it has already been observed, or it will have been felt necessary to check again that it has been fully observed. This is in itself a Ritual.

How come it's ok to nibble some people's ears and not others?

You would be amazed if you could even glimpse the full range of human sexual behaviour. Suffice to say this is an issue that we must deal with urgently, Bruce. It has serious implications for all dogs. 

Only yesterday we learn that Rowan the Wirelsh Terrier has had to leave his home in London for kennels in Cambridge as a result of misunderstandings about human sexuality. If Rowan, who has an intellect light years in excess of yours, has been inconvenienced, I shudder to think what Satan might do. There is potential for irreversible and possibly painful surgical procedures if you continue to be confused.

This would be unfair , as there are people who come to your abode who, for reasons that frankly I struggle with, find the arrival of a fat, furry two stone tuna breath torpedo on their lap to be a pleasure. A pleasure taken to further erotic heights initially by a wet tongue inserted in the aural canal, and then further enhanced by sensual nibbling of earlobe. The noise of the snuffling and the cries of bliss escalate. (Even writing this down feels wrong.)

So to avoid unpleasant consequences, you must ensure that the encounter is consensual.

So here are some rules:

·      Do not make your move on anyone standing up;

·      Never make your move on any of the small people with brighter clothes;

·      Ensure that your partner is sitting down, preferably alone, on a sofa with no cup of tea in hand;

·      Ensure that your partner has noticed your presence;

·      Look for a hand gesture e.g. patting the cushion provocatively;

·      Do not swallow anything that comes away in your mouth (more surgical procedures);

·      To be on the safe side, even if they give encouragement, do not try it on with vicars.

How come I don’t get tuna on my biscuits in the morning….?

In order to unpack this issue for you, Bruce, I’d like you to consider a number of salient points about the rhythm of life. My preliminary research reveals that you do get tuna on your biscuits in the evening.

As you get older you will discover it is important to have things to look forward to. A day is a life in microcosm. We are exhorted ‘not to let the sun go down on our wrath’, I am pleased to hear this is not an issue with you.

Overcoming initial disappointment makes the ultimate achievement of tuna on your biscuits in the evening of life all the sweeter. You may wish to consult with The Mommy on this, as I understand she is very hot on delaying gratification.

However, a word of warning… attempting to lick off the fragrant tuna lying on top of the biscuits and avoiding the biscuits themselves demonstrates an unhealthy attitude. Those that succumb to this temptation have found themselves leading frivolous lives, not sustained by a proper biscuit-based ethical dimension.

I counsel you to remember that we are living in tough times. Many young dogs do not enjoy the living standard to which you have become accustomed. They see their elders rewarding themselves with luxurious diets consisting exclusively of tuna, abandoning their moral compass, engaging in fish based Ponzi schemes and other corrupt practices that have brought the country to its knees. They howl out in the streets and run wild.

One final point, the fragrant tuna on your biscuits in the evening is yours and yours alone. You need feel no obligation to share the fragrance with either The Mommy or, especially, Satan. A dog’s breath is pleasing only to other dogs.