Is Satan trying to turn me into a satellite dish?

Theologically speaking, at this Eastertide, that is a remarkably profound question for a dog of your mental capacity. Is it indeed the intention of the forces of evil to turn us all into merely passive receivers of images and ideas externally fed to us by Fox News and Rupert Murdoch (aka Beelzebub)?

Reflect for a moment on this, Bruce, and consider whether your life of perpetual sleeping, eating and visiting the vet has equipped you with the wherewithal to pursue an active life. The forces of evil are afraid of creative and imaginative activity, witness the way Beelzebub’s minion Gove has attempted to suppress it in schools.

It may not be too late to change your habits, as currently when you follow the Mommy closely and ding her on the back of her legs with the satellite dish, you might follow her exhortation to ‘run off and do something useful’. (I think that may be a loose translation of what she said.)

On balance I do not think Satan is trying to turn you into a satellite dish. He has no need of one. Cable TV provides him with a steady flow of images of his beloved Chelsea FC as they approach the climax of what may prove another triumphant season.

The only cloud on his horizon is that the triumph may come at the expense of The Mummy’s team, Liverpool FC. My firm advice when these two teams meet in a week’s time is to keep the lowest of profiles in order to ensure your physical and mental wellbeing. In adversity, Satan might be tempted to take up taxidermy.

Why does Satan go "Aaaarrr" at me?

This is his idea of a joke because you have a temporary patch put over your poorly eye and he thinks you look like a Pirate. Actually The Mummy was the first to raise the Pirate connection when she heard about the patch, but now she has seen you she is very concerned. You have been given some tranquillisers to keep you calm whilst your eye heals. Satan reckons The Mummy would do best on these tranquillisers as he cannot imagine how you could become any calmer given the amount of time you spend asleep.

Am I a Pirate, you ask, and why are they funny? 
Traditionally Pirates were bold and unscrupulous seafarers who sailed the oceans looking for ships to capture and treasure to seize. Some of them like Blackbeard and Captain Morgan became famous and many stories were told of their exploits. They had  colourful lives and a whole way of speaking became attributed to them based mainly on the hammy performance of Robert Newton in the TV series 'Long John Silver'. So as a small dog in Keighley, living as far from the sea as is practically possible the answer to the first part of the question has to be no.

Strictly speaking, Bruce, Pirates are not funny, they are thieves. Today's Pirates kidnap people and hold them hostage, they climb aboard oil tankers in remote oceans and threaten to blow them up unless they are given ransom money. These are Pirates from Somalia who would be dirt poor otherwise.

There are also some very rich and powerful Pirates around and these are closer to Keighley. They appear to have kidnapped our oil, gas and electricity supplies as well as our railways and are holding us to ransom. Our economy has been kidnapped by the banks, and now apparently our Health Service is going to cost us an additional £10 when we use it. 

Satan says Aaaarrrse! He also now wants the tranquillisers, he tells me.

Look out there's a thief about….

Bruce wishes to put out a statement to all dogs concerning the the scandalous theft of a French Bulldog in Birstall. http://bit.ly/1ct09Cx

" It is universally recognised that the existence of French Bulldogs is conclusive proof of a beneficent deity. French Bulldogs, along with Guinea Pigs, demonstrate through their total vulnerability that providence alone can save them from extinction. As such the importunate abduction of a French Bulldog in Birstall represents a form of blasphemy. The perpetrator was wearing a dark blue bomber jacket, dark blue jeans and a blue woolly hat, with a white zig-zag design on it. This is clearly the uniform of  vicious sect and anyone with any information is asked to contact DC Mark Gregory at Kirklees CID on 101." 

Bruce wishes it to be known that he is retiring to his 'safe room' until the danger is passed. He remains in dialogue with his psychotherapist, and advises all dogs out there to remain alert.

Can I get a British Passport?

Apparently you have been leading a relaxed and stress free life for the last few months, and have not needed a therapy session for some time. However all good things come to an end and here we are again.

You are getting agitated once again about identity issues. I understand you want to get a passport so you can go on holiday with The Mommy and Satan but are concerned that because you are a French Bulldog you are not entitled to a British passport. Furthermore even if you had one you are anxious that you would not be let back in the UK because you look French. You are worried that Satan calls you a migrant.

I think I can put your mind at rest on these issues. You are not a migrant. You are a dog. Dogs do not migrate. Some birds migrate but you are not a bird. You were born in Ferrybridge. Even if you think you do look French for the time being our Government is not preventing the French from coming to the UK. They would rather that Bulgarians and Romanians, many of whom speak French, don’t come here. Neither is that because the Bulgarians and Rumanians look French, although many of them do look French. It is because they are migrants.

A migrant can be defined in two ways. On the one hand migrants are in the main young people who come to work hard at jobs that no longer attract British people, for wages that certainly no longer attract British people. A whole lot of things wouldn’t work if it weren’t for migrants.

Whilst our Government quite likes the idea of people working for low wages, it is happy to scare all the dogs by promoting a second definition.

This is the view that migrants come to this country to lay around all day sleeping, getting fed and supported by British taxpayers. They require extensive and expensive medical treatment. They don’t speak English properly. They annoy British people and get under their feet. That is why Satan says that under this definition you look like a migrant to him. This is why he tells The Mommy that there is no chance of you going abroad.

It may be technically possible to get you a dog passport, but under current immigration rules The Mommy and Satan think it is too much of a risk. You don’t want to find yourself airside in a British airport. Back to the excellent kennels where they think you are ‘Superdog’. (see February blog)

What’s wrong with DOGTV?

Well, Bruce, even for a trained canine psychotherapist such as myself, this is in one sense an impossible question to answer. The reason being – I am not a dog. I do not have canine critical faculties and can offer no comment on the content of DOGTV.

My research reveals that an Israeli company has started a subscription channel for dogs. They say that ‘DOGTV provides television for dogs with three types of programming offering relaxing and stimulating content as well as positive behavioral reinforcements.’ I understand that whilst you might be attracted to this idea, Satan has decreed that there is enough brainless TV already available and too much of it is currently watched in your household. I believe he may be referring to The Mommy’s addiction to ‘Homes Under The Hammer’ and ‘Come Dine With Me’.

Satan furthermore does not believe that ‘dogs that are left alone tend to become anxious so the calming sounds and music in the relaxing segments on DOGTV were created to keep them peaceful.’ The reason being that he can hear the sound of your snoring coming from inside the house when he pulls into the driveway.

Satan is also incensed by DOGTV’s assertion that ‘many dogs also suffer from a lack of stimulation, which becomes acute when their parents are away’. He questioned the use of the word ‘parent’ very forcefully to me when we discussed your original query. He is of the opinion that people who ascribe human parentage to dogs are sick in the head.

As ever The Mommy took your part when we discussed the possibility of a subscription. She was sympathetic to DOGTV’s belief that ‘The stimulating segments provide dogs with invigorating images, animation and exciting real world sounds to keep them up and running.’ It was then pointed out to her that the only stimulation that had ever kept you ‘up and running’ was the sound of your food being prepared.

Satan won’t allow you to subscribe to DOGTV because he says the last thing he needs is you ‘up and running’ in front of the television. There is enough commotion when Chelsea are on.

“I’m in love. I want to marry Krypto the Superdog, what should I do?”

Without wishing to discount the truth of your feelings, Bruce, or downplay the strength of emotions that are clearly swirling through you, I’m going to invite you to consider certain factors that have a bearing on the situation in which you find yourself. In this way you may come to some limited understanding of the reality you inhabit.

The Mommy has informed me that you first became aware of the existence of the concept of ‘Superdog’ at the holiday camp where you spend your days when The Mommy and Satan are on their travels. The kind people at the camp nicknamed you ‘Superdog’ because your red coat flies up at the back when not fastened around your bum. This gave them the impression of a cape and thus the nickname.

When Satan was regaled with this amusing tale, he vividly recalled the existence of Krypto the Superdog from his youth. The Mommy was far too young to remember this, she said. Satan was not believed. He sought out images of Krypto. These reveal drawings of a lithe and muscular white Labrador. Satan may have made some unkind comment on the utter lack of similarity both physical and mental between you and Krypto.  I quote “ Krypto also had super-canine intelligence of approximately human level, though with his canine traits and interests still present.”  Note the ‘his’.

It would seem that The Mommy has left these images lying around in plain sight, you have seen them and become the canine equivalent of a smitten kitten. You now wish to enter into a lifelong relationship with Krypto.

Well, Bruce, as it happens there are some things going in favour of your desires.  If you but had the slightest understanding of what he meant, you would be able to see that the smooth faced man has indeed made it possible for you to contemplate same sex marriage. Notwithstanding that one of his Welsh friends has expressed great concern about the warmth and safety of puppies. The point of his remarks escapes me.

However, and here you must steel yourself, Bruce, for an unpleasant shock I have to tell you that Krypto exists only as a drawing. He has no corporeal being. We got into a bit of a tangle in our last session about the idea of existence, and I don’t want to muddle you. You will need time and rest to come to terms with this disappointment. I shall speak to The Mommy.

You need to understand that human beings are capable of limitless imagination, and from an early age can draw wonderful things. Unlike dogs, who have to be taught things through constant repetition. (Strangely enough, another friend of the smooth faced man has a problem with understanding this. He is in charge of schools, which is a worry for me but happily not for you.)

What does it mean to be a FRENCH Bulldog?

Bruce this question initially really perplexed me. I could not believe you had asked it. I thought that when we met I would have to try to explain existentialism to you, a small dog. Trying to define a philosophical theory that holds that a set of categories, governed by the norm of authenticity, is necessary to grasp human existence would have been tough going. (It clearly is beyond our political leaders, who tell us we now face an ‘existential’ threat in North Africa. I think they have got confused because Camus was Algerian)

Even though to approach existentialism in this categorial way may seem to conceal what is often taken to be its “heart” namely, its character as a gesture of protest against academic philosophy, its anti-system sensibility, its flight from the “iron cage” of reason. It would nevertheless have been necessary for you to understand that the major existential philosophers wrote with a passion and urgency rather uncommon in our own time.  Whilst the idea that philosophy cannot be practiced in the disinterested manner of an objective science is indeed central to existentialism, it is equally true that all the themes popularly associated with existentialism—dread, boredom, alienation, the absurd, freedom, commitment, nothingness, and so on—find their philosophical significance in the context of the search for a new categorial framework, together with its governing norm.

Luckily Satan pointed out the Capital letter emphasis in your original question, and I am now beginning to see where you are coming from. You are worried and confused because of what that smooth faced man has been saying on the Television again. You are concerned that anything French will be kicked out of the country and the supply of tuna and charcoal biscuits will be reserved solely for British Bulldogs. 

Unfortunately Bruce, I have to tell you that your fears are not entirely without foundation. There are people in this country who hate all things foreign. They are mainly in the Tory or UKIP parties or in some cases behind wire in high security settings. 

They can be categorised existentially as suffering from dread and alienation.They are indeed absurd and are devotees of nothingness. Their version of freedom and commitment truly represents flight from “the iron cage” of reason.

Luckily you were bred and born in Ferrybridge and, whatever happens, will remain fully entitled to the tuna of Old England.